(This is the view from my dining table/desk while I am pondering this post…)

What do you do every day so you don’t have to deal with your pain or fear?

I’ve been sitting with a lot of emotional discomfort recently.  Lots of loneliness.  Lots of out of comfort zone (and sheer terror!) for a new career.  Lots of trying to change my mindset.  And for April hibernating to keep away from all negativity.  Not drinking.  Minimising spending while I don’t have an income.

But I can feel the yearning to turn on the TV and watch something lighthearted.  I can feel myself desperately thinking that it would be so easy and nice to just ‘hang out’ with the guy I just finished things with. He’s always fun and we have a good time even if we aren’t right long term.  So easy to go out with people that I know really aren’t good for me because they aren’t there when I need them.  But aren’t these things just numbing the pain?  Isn’t taking the focus off me a cop out?  Isn’t one of the whole points to this journey to be able to work THROUGH the pain and come out stronger on the other side?

How much time do you spend numbing your pain?  Or numbing your fears?  Fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown?  Are you drinking too much, hanging out with the wrong people, eating too much to push the discomfort down inside?  Shopping to try and fill a hole?  Staying in a relationship that’s not everything you want? Escaping from your mind by being too busy to sit with your feelings?  Pretending that the things which aren’t good for you are actually being kind to yourself?

Maybe emotional health is exactly the same as our physical and mental health.  Meaning we need to do the work to get great results.  We need to feel uncomfortable with new ways of eating to get better health, to feel uncomfortable when we start exercising to get fit, to feel uncomfortable when we try new things/read difficult books/do anything to help our brains be the best they can be.  Do we run from being the best versions of ourselves because it’s hard work?

Were we just not trained how to allow discomfort?  How to appreciate the pain for the opportunities it can offer us?  To appreciate it for the growth it can bring?  Can we become accustomed to discomfort and even welcome the lessons and the growth it may bring?  Is it just me that feels this is such a difficult thing to do?  I know I will feel so proud of myself for doing this tomorrow, and stronger knowing that I can, and realising I am becoming a much better version of me who will take the right actions to increase my self esteem – but why does it feel so so so so hard?

Be kind to yourself (which might involve some hard work!).

Wx

[Update:  after writing this, eating dinner and listening to an interview with Marianne Williamson, I began to feel stronger and less desperate to escape my feelings… so maybe the discomfort was a great learning!]