(this is currently the wall next to my desk – a constant reminder of what to feed my mind for my dreams)

I’ve spent my life fighting for my happiness.  Or that’s how it feels.  A lot of people look at me and think I’m incredibly lucky to be so optimistic.  And I usually think the same.

But it’s just occurred me I’ve struggled to get ‘here’.  Not even sure I’m at super duper happiness yet – still working on it and learning and maybe that’s part of being happy as well.  The idea of growing and being more than you were yesterday and liking yourself more as you become a ‘better’ version of yourself.

In my early 20s I went to see a psychologist.  Cost me a fortune.  I guess it helped a bit.  So much about my childhood and focussing on issues from my past.  I felt she was the ‘expert’ and I was totally out of my depth.  Not sure that’s really how helping should go.  They should be nervous about sessions, not you as a client.  That’s my opinion anyway.  And that was part of my lack of self esteem / self worth.

In my later 20s I saw another psychologist that I adored.  She was just brilliant.  I came away with huge a-ha moments and felt so much more positive about what was possible.  I loved it so much, it made such a big difference that I wanted to do what she did for a job.  It seemed nothing could be better than making people happier.  What an unbelievable job and purpose.  She said she actually did more ‘life coaching’ with me than traditional psychology.  I was so busy focussing on what I didn’t want in life that I couldn’t possibly see what I wanted.  She helped me to work out what I wanted and what my dream life would look like and how to get there.  And she was so supportive and caring.  I never felt my dreams were stupid or there was something wrong with me.  I really miss her.

As I’ve said elsewhere I don’t feel I grew very much between 30 – 45.  A few personal development books but nothing really new.  And when I look back on that time I don’t feel I was living much of a life – I was getting by but nothing hugely exciting.  And I certainly wasn’t living a dream!

Now I’m on a HUGE mission to reach my dreams and strive for the very best mindset I can have to suit my mantra:

• I am bold and brave
• I am confident and capable
• I am safe and secure

I think it’s the best timing.  Some might call it a mid life crisis.  I am just thinking I finally have the wisdom to get real with myself about what matters the most to me.  Not what matters to everybody else.  What is important to me. And to focus on that.  To focus on me.  To remember my dreams.  And the more I learn the more these mantras actually mean something different to me.  For example, safe and secure used to mean certainty and having money as a back up, now it means more faith in myself and that the universe has my back.  More letting go for spiritual guidance.  And knowing that I will be fine.  I will learn the lessons from everything that happens in my life now, rather than resisting or fighting what wasn’t part of MY plan.  There is a reason for everything.

And I have a new mission.  I am working on being love and gratitude. For me, my friends, for a partner, for the universe, for my body etc.  And when I really look and pay attention every day there is so much amazing stuff in my world. My health, my opportunities, my brain, my heart, my bed, my learning to say yes more often.  And it’s super happiness inducing to be getting out of my comfort zone and facing more fears (well I wouldn’t actually say fun at the time!!!).  The feeling afterwards is EVERYTHING.  The pride, the excitement, the happy shock, the growing belief that I am capable of so much more.  The joy of knowing life can be anything I want it to be.  I am nearly feeling like I’m not me anymore.  ‘Wendy wouldn’t do that’ – all the old beliefs in my head about what I can and can’t do are slowly disappearing and being replaced with curiosity and maybe just giving things a go.  And thinking, finally, that maybe I am better than I thought.  My life doesn’t have to be shaped by my past. I can shape my own future.  It’s a matter of choice.

Mindset seems the key to me right now.  If I believe I am happy then surely that means I am happy?  If I think I am happy that equals happy as well.  If what goes on in my head is negative, then my world is negative.  If what goes on in my head is positive, then my world is/becomes positive.

Changing your thinking is not a quick fix.  We have had our beliefs nearly our whole lives.  So the work that needs to be done to change them is quite time consuming and requires a lot of energy and vigilance.  And acceptance when we slip up.  Because maybe that’s a key – life is NOT always a bed of roses.  We can make it that way most of the time but just sometimes I think we need to accept there are no flowers on the tree. It’s winter.  So we prune, nourish and fertilise for bigger and better growth next season. It’s the ebb and flow of life.  You can’t fight nature. You can accept and appreciate what is and get excited about what’s coming.

Is there anything else?  What else do we need for happiness?  Is it happiness we are searching for?  Or peace and contentment with some joy?  And feeling good about ourselves.  I think we all want different things (thankfully) but are the basic feelings at the bottom of that all the same for us?  To connect with people, to feel we matter, to have a point to life?

Fight for your happiness.  It is worth it.  You are worth it.

Be kind to yourself.

Wx