Is it just me?  Does everyone struggle with this every day?  Or is it my change of career and thinking about my purpose in life that makes me constantly question and find I don’t have the answers.  Is this what they call a mid life crisis?  And is that egotistical that it’s all about me and my age – I think this is happening more and more at every age.  Because with more choice in life, the more pressure and expectation there is on everyone to find their ‘niche’, to find their ‘perfect’ fit and to have an ‘ah-mazing’ life!!!!!!

I can simply say I want to bring more happiness, ease and joy to myself and the world and that’s what I am about.  But it doesn’t seem to really answer the question.  It leaves me wondering.  Was I this person in my last career anyway?  Why was I unfilled and wanting more?

So many books I read are about becoming the best version of you.  But what does that mean?  How do you know if you are on the right path?  How long do you keep going before you think it’s not quite the right path and you should try another path or another fork in the road?  So many books talk about people giving things a go 100 times before being successful.  Should we do that?  Do we have time to do that?  What do we enjoy?  Are we having fun?  Or are we just trying to have fun?  When do we feel good?  For me quite often it’s after I’ve done something hard or scary or out of my comfort zone and I feel so damn proud of myself.  Because I never imagined myself as being fearless.  I was always safe and secure, I always consider myself average.  Nothing wrong with that – it just was what it was.  So maybe this feeling is so important right now because it’s new to me.  Maybe it won’t be so important in my future.

Is everyone in such a hurry that there is no time to even think about this?  Do we all just do what we need to do?

Will meditation and quiet time help me to work this out?  Will it always be changing?  Is it the essence of us?  Do we need to find that?  Does it feel right and strong and powerful when we find it?  Can we tell we are there and we know who we are?  I guess I don’t read books about people having that.  Richard Branson is constantly trying new.  And maybe that’s part of who he is.  I think Tony Robbins has probably the strongest sense of purpose I’ve ever heard someone talk about.  He is so focussed constantly on his mission.  Is his mission who he is?

Do we even know?  Does it matter?  Am I over analysing?  Is this just about putting off other things I should be doing?  Who will ever know.  But maybe just giving it some time is a good thing to do occasionally.  Maybe it does help to give me some direction.  What gives you direction?  Do you feel you know who you are?  Are we defined by our roles – a mother, a sister, a daughter, a career, a sport, a hobby or our personality – driven, funny, successful, friendly, caring?

I think I accept that maybe I am reading too many self development books and listening to too many inspiring podcasts etc.  Where is the time to just be?  To rest?  To relax?  To NOT do.  I’m reading Sarah Wilson’s book “first, we make the beast beautiful” which is about anxiety.  It’s really making me think.  But I’m also thinking I’m not achieving anything on my list right now while reading and maybe I need to exercise, or write, or cook, or take photos for instagram, or do something for my business.  Because everyone talks about hustle.  ‘Making it happen’.  Go out there and use all the unlimited possibilities to have a big amazing incredible life.  What is that?  Is it lots of money?  Is it lots of holidays?  What does it mean?  Interestingly I’ve found the people I know with the most money aren’t necessarily the happiest ones – it’s like there is so much pressure on them to do something even bigger.  And if the end result isn’t money, what is it?  And who can see it?  What does it look like?  Does it matter if other people can’t see your success?  Does there need to be proof and is this why the money component is so important to many people because they can prove their success with a fancy house/car/holiday etc.  What is balance?  What is spiritual growth?  What is happiness?  What is contentment?  What is achievement?  What is embracing freedom and uncertainty?  Why are we constantly searching? Is there not more we can do right in this very moment to just appreciate and love everything about it – the fresh air, the gentle breeze, the sun’s rays, the rain drops, the lack of hunger, the comfortable bed, the supportive friend, the smell of flowers.  I really don’t know.  And maybe we never will.  And maybe that’s ok.  And maybe just liking ourselves and feeling proud every now is again is enough.  What do you think is enough?

Oddly enough just sitting and taking the time to just dwell on these things is making me feel better (even if I have niggling reminder in the back of my head that I must exercise….).

Be kind to yourself (whoever you are).

Wx