We have so many rules in our heads about how things ‘should’ be. When we can let go of them EVERYTHING changes. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of years reviewing what I think and why I think it. Do the rules and beliefs in my head help me or hinder me? Are they facts? Or are they based on information from other people? Were they taught to me as a child? By my family, by the people I hang out with, from the TV shows I watch? Whilst not an easy exercise I feel so much freer letting go of expectations on other people and things in life. And even more importantly on myself.

But I totally missed one important area of my life during all this review. I never took a look at my rules around relationships. And suddenly last week I had the BIGGEST A-HA moments when I realised why me and relationships didn’t work. It wasn’t a made up story that I can’t commit (but that probably didn’t help) and it wasn’t just that I hadn’t met the right person. It was all about the rules in my head that didn’t work. So I set about trying to write down everything I think about how relationships should be so I could question these beliefs. And to be frank, I’m embarrassed about this list. I thought I was a much more self aware, responsible for my own happiness adult. But I’m not beating myself up about it, it actually makes sense why I think this. And I’m really excited I have had the opportunity to review it and change it – because it is making my relationship a billion times easier.

As some background I do not believe I had any good role models for long term relationships. So I pretty much believed they didn’t work. I believed that they only happened to a few miracle couples. I wanted to be one of those magic miracle couples. I don’t know who they are, I think they may be in Hollywood movies. But I missed learning from ‘real’ couples about how to deal with issues, how to have good conversations, how to grow together, how to communicate properly, how to support each other whilst being individuals at the same time. So therefore I made up my own rules about what needed to happen for a magic miracle couple.

So in the middle of a few relationship issues with me feeling we were hurting each other and it wasn’t going to work, here’s some of my late night thoughts on relationships:

• What do I really want from this person
• Did I think that he would be perfect if he loved me enough
• What is perfect?
• Where is the rule that says he is never allowed to hurt me
• Why don’t I deal with being hurt? What is at the heart of this?
• Don’t hurt people hurt other people?
• If I was actually comfortable with myself then anything he said wouldn’t really hurt me because I would realise it was his issue
• Why do I expect him to be perfect? What is perfect?
• What do I want to do for him? It’s not all about what he wants to do for me.
• How do I find energy for the relationship (instead of feeling you can be tired with your partner and they will support you while you find energy for everything else in your life you choose to do)
• How do I let go more? Find more fun, joy, confidence in the relationship and relax into it more
• How do I stop expectations on myself to be the perfect partner: full of energy, fun, passion, enthusiasm, excellent communication, brilliant listener, planning adventures, being spontaneous (yes I can see the conflict there!!!), being incredibly sexy
• How do we bring more meaning into our lives together
• How we get balance between doing stuff on our own vs together
• How do we learn together
• I am allowed to say no to sex and he is allowed to question this. It doesn’t mean we are only about sex (a whole other post one day about who I used to be…)
• Where is the rule that says things need to be 50/50
• What if I was to have the best version of myself in a relationship? (Not perfect, the best – allowing myself to be full of love and care and support – and be vulnerable and honest and talk about what scares me about relationships and ask for what I want)
• What if I ALLOWED myself to be this best version of myself in a relationship?
• I have wounds from childhood that aren’t quite healed. Honour this and continue self care and acknowledge them to continue the healing process.
• Use this as a lesson to have more faith in the universe
• I need to ask for what I want and not expect mind reading
• Asking for what I want is different to being high maintenance (which was the biggest fear in my life that people might think I am hard work!!!)
• And where is the rule that says I can’t be high maintenance? He can choose to say no!
• Where is the rule that either of us have to say yes to any/all requests
• What is good enough? Am I good enough? Is he good enough?
• Do I need to prove anything?

This OBVIOUSLY was creating quite a lot of tension in my relationship. Firstly because my beliefs were totally unrealistic, secondly because I didn’t realise I needed to explain what my rules were and lastly because asking for what I want is not one of my strengths.

I had this list and wasn’t sure what was next. I just knew it was time to do some letting go of what was in my head. And I wasn’t sure what was next to get us back on track, so I sent him this list. In my nearly illegible handwriting, totally unedited, just to see what happened. He loved it, wrote the most beautiful message back and said what a wonderful place to start a conversation. Needless to say we are back on track. But he also knows a lot of this stuff about relationships already as his beliefs are much more realistic than mine. He had role models to show what strong healthy relationships look like. And that they aren’t easy but they are so rewarding. He knows it isn’t meant to be perfect. He has the upmost faith in us and that I am just catching up and that we learning together. He believes that all these issues can be discussed and worked through and that ultimately it will just make us so much better and stronger together. So much more connected. And for his patience and love I am so grateful.

Does this strike a chord with you? Do you have rules in your head that hinder rather than help you? Would you want to let go of them or at least try to not hold on so tightly? Would this allow you to feel good, feel lighter, feel more love, feel more peaceful more often?

Be kind to yourself (and your relationship).

LWxx