I think this is probably surprising to many people because I appear to be celebrating everything in life all the time. Especially with a drink. But every time I do any sort of wheel of life, review of life type program, I come up with really low scores in this area. I’m therefore putting in a big effort to try and change this (which is why I am constantly talking about it!).

However for some reason, the aftermath of the marathon has really knocked me around. I haven’t really celebrated. Well I’ve gone through some motions, bubbly at the airport and half a bottle of French champagne last weekend but I haven’t managed to FEEL it. I felt a little better when I got lots of claps at my running group training session last Thursday but I cannot feel any joy about my marathon results. If I am going to coach other people on how to do this, I want to really delve into what’s going on here and how I can fix it. Surely, surely, surely, out of everything I have done in my life this should be the biggest proudest achievement that I cant stop basking in.

The biggest goal I’ve ever set, and biggest thing on my list for 2019, is done and I can’t get excited. What’s that about? Lightbulb moment this morning. I failed. And for some reason I suddenly feel so much better. From failure? That’s nuts. But it’s not for me. It suits me. Because I’ve never really failed in life (well I guess I failed in a lot of relationships up until my current one but I knew they weren’t right so it doesn’t feel like it counts). I am getting a belief from studying successful people that unless you are pushing your boundaries, you aren’t really finding out your limits and working towards being the best you can be. So this failure is actually a huge sign of success for me. That I am finally pushing a bit harder and trying to tackle much bigger and harder goals. Now that excites me. And of course it’s still crossed off the list even if it was ugly. It’s from the setbacks that we learn and grow.

I was talking to a fellow runner yesterday who told me about someone who didn’t take their first marathon seriously. They went in with the mindset just to have fun and see what it was about. They ended up doing better than expected. I think this is the mindset that if I set for myself, the results would have been better.

First and foremost I know I am disappointed in myself that I didn’t make my goal of under 5 hours. And it’s ok to be disappointed about that. It’s ok that I made mistakes on the day. But once I’ve been through the disappointment it is time to shift focus, not dwell here unnecessarily, and focus on all the positives. I crossed the finish line in a marathon. Seriously this is phenomenal when I only started running 2 years ago at the age of 47.

My first goal was the get over the line. TICK. My silver medal was not walking. My gold medal was under 5 hours. But I still finished the race. And seriously, is it realistic to expect a gold medal in your first one? Who do I think I am that I can just breeze in and do something when other people have been putting in the hard yards for decades to get there? Another lesson in setting big arse scary goals but in a more realistic way. And that practice will improve not only my running but my mindset when it gets difficult. Neither of these things were at a 5 hour level. And that’s ok. They were at a 5.32.39 level – and that’s brilliant for someone who classed herself as a beginner runner.

In some ways I felt the marathon owed me. I’d given so much it was supposed to give back.

Training was so hard, so tough and so time consuming that I just hoped I would never have to do it again. And you know what. I don’t. I don’t have to prove anything. To anyone else and especially to myself. I can take what I learnt from having such a huge scary goal and being so focused, determined, disciplined and committed and use that for another big goal.

It’s hard to talk to people about this stuff as well. They are well meaning and say ‘you are amazing, you should be so proud of yourself’ but when you don’t feel that way it’s hard to get past it. I guess I am finally starting to understand how a friend felt when he had to pull out of a 24 hours after about 13 hours – I was in awe of him running for over 12 hours but all he could see was that he failed. He needed to deal with the failure before he could start to appreciate what he had achieved for his first ever race. That set back also made him stronger and fight harder for his goals allowing him to knock nearly 20mins off his PB for the Gold Coast marathon. What an incredible outcome after one of his biggest failures. Would that have happened without the failure? Maybe it fuelled him. Maybe it was a blessing.

Yes I’ve been too harsh on myself. And yes maybe this is the lesson. These are awesome lessons to learn and experiences to have that make life better. This challenge might be a catalyst for something greater for me.

Am I going to do another one? Maybe. But it’s not going to be for a while. There are other things I want in life right now. My partner was so supportive of my goals and it’s time to give him some of my energy again. Next year is the big 5-0 and I want to focus on celebrating that. But maybe the year after before I turn 51…. Maybe. Would be an incredible thing to do starting off my second century. Will keep pondering… in the meantime I am going back to enjoying running again instead of it being a never ending chore.

And the best bit from the whole experience? When I now say “I am a runner” it feels like the truth.

Be kind to yourself. Wxx