I woke up this morning pondering this.  With the big change I’ve just made I am suddenly feeling that my life is more me and I am finally on the right track.

My 20s were a time of learning to be an adult, getting into work and I had a great relationship and bought an apartment.  I was a little miserable at times and saw a great psychologist that said she mostly did life coaching with me to help me determine my dreams in life and work out what I wanted (how do we often end up so focussed on what we don’t want?).

My 40s now are very special because I’m really learning who I am and becoming brave and trying new things.  And I’ve had some big achievements over the last couple of years.  My first public speaking, facing my fear of heights and paying off all my bad debt.

However when I look at my 30s I feel like I wasted those years a bit.  Nothing stands out as amazing.  What on earth did I do in that decade?  I’m really having to think hard to remember any highlights.  I had a couple of good boyfriends for a few years each but they weren’t right for me.  They didn’t really help me grow.  And of course while hanging out with them the key is that I didn’t help me grow either.  I did a couple of jobs from 30 – 36 that didn’t stretch me very much.  At 36 I took a job that lasted 10 years that didn’t bring much growth.  It made me feel good because I was good at it.  There was no real travel – maybe Bali, New Zealand and some very expensive meals/weekends with my new fun crazy flatmate.  He was a fantastic new friend even if he led me astray a little.  And I am incredibly grateful to have him in my life now.  But for the ridiculous amounts of money we spent I don’t feel there were huge memorable highlights or any opportunities to become more me.

I was just existing.  Not creating – not doing anything wonderful.  Looking back it doesn’t seem enough.  If I had’ve stepped out of my comfort zone imagine what I would’ve achieved by now.  I would’ve felt better about myself every day.

I don’t regret it.  It’s who I was at the time and I honestly don’t think I knew any better.  The lesson is what to do from here.  How do I not let that happen again?

And maybe it was me finally getting so bored with my life, and especially my work, that made me take this leap and leave my job.  And with no job to go to.  I want to learn to manage change and uncertainty a little better.  I thought I would feel a sense of panic about no job and no idea where future income in coming from.  But on day 2 I am still calm.  I still feel this is ‘right’.  Even if I have no idea what right is.

I’m a big fan of the laws of attraction.  What you put out you get back.  Put out negativity to the world and it will come back to you.  Be mean to people, it will come back to you.  But put love and positivity and kindness out there to the world and it will come back to you baby.  And I’ve realised it’s because of this law, that when the time was right for me to make a change I hit my 10 years in my job and got paid 8 weeks long service leave.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do with it – spend time working out who I want to be and what I want to do for the second half of my life.  Is anything more important than that?

Is change and growth and learning hard work?  Is it scary?  The unknown, the uncertainty?  I guess it is in a way.  But sometimes it feels so right it’s not so hard.  You soon get used to getting up 15mins earlier to do a meditation and feel more positive about the day.  After a few sessions yoga becomes more enjoyable – longer and longer walks make you feel like a hero.  This petrifying blog (who do I think I am to write for other people….) starts becoming quite joyful and incredibly rewarding.  And the tiny baby steps start to add up.

So what do you madly love about your life?  Do you madly love your life?  Is it time to start working out what makes you insanely crazy blissfully happy and start working out how you can do that?

Be kind to yourself.

Wx