In 2015 I started to feel something was missing in life.  Quite honestly, I felt scared of everything.  I felt there had to be something more to life.  I felt other people were having more fun than me.  What were they doing?  How were they doing it?  How can I get me some of that?

I decided it was time to make some changes.  It was time to stop living with so much fear.  A frightening thought in itself.

I had 2 big wins.  The first was working on my fear of heights.  Other people seemed ok so why wasn’t I? I wasn’t necessarily scared as a child so what happened?  I was even unable to climb fixed towers that were 8 stories high – if I felt them moving, or imagined them moving, I couldn’t do it anymore.  I decided enough was enough.  I read a book called ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It taught me about being curious about things instead.  Letting go of the outcome.  And really focusing on the fear – what actually really scares me?  Delving into that.  Usually a fear of heights is kind of a sensible human being fear because we don’t want to die!  Self preservation is a good thing.  But things that scared me where not likely to be things from which one might die.  So I booked the zipline tour at Illawarra Fly Tree Top Adventures just out of Sydney.

I turn up and there is another couple, plus me and my friend.  The guy taking us out is one of those comfortable adventure type dudes that’s about 20 (and I’m 45).  I felt very comfortable with him and he did an amazing job of double checking all your equipment so I did feel really safe.  When I arrive he asks “How are you”?  I reply with the mantra I have been chanting for the last 60 mins “I am safe and secure, I am bold and brave, I am confident and capable”.  He stopped asking me questions after that.

“Who’s going first”? he says.  I realised watching other people would possibly scare me more and make me back out.  So when no one volunteered within a second I said I would!  Woohoo.  What a brave new chick I had become.  Plus the other girl looked petrified and I didn’t want to watch that in front of me.  Well, low and behold, it was FUN!  Scared me for sure.  But it was so exhilarating.  I felt so incredibly proud.  My mindset training allowed me to just let go and be curious.  And then after the zipline I walked the tree top steel walkway that sways 50 metres above the ground.  I could easily stand up with no hands.  Then walked up the tower as part of the steel walkway.  And so so so so loved that.  I didnt actually feel scared.  Yes my hands were sweaty but I felt confident.  I knew I could do it.

My next step in getting out of my comfort zone, and I’ve no idea what made me decide this was a good idea, was doing some public speaking.  My work paid professional speakers to do workshops at our annual conference.  Our members/amateurs introduced them.  1 – 2 minutes most.  I decided I could do one of those.  It’s only a minute after all.  So I spent heaps of time psyching myself up and finally put up my hand.  It was knocked back.  Phew – I don’t think I really wanted to do it.  I was chuffed with myself for at least offering.  Next thing you know everything gets turned around and it’s agreed I can do it but I have to do a whole series.  I had to do 6 introductions.  OH MY GOD!  What?  I CAN’T do that.  That’s WAAAAAAY too big and outside of my comfort zone.  Imagine only just recovering from speaking up on stage for the first time only to have to do it again in another hour.  Argh.  I tried to get out of that.  It didn’t work.  I was told it was all or nothing.  I couldn’t really back out.  Then my Mum died.  The perfect excuse to get out of it.  Everyone was totally accepting.  Except one person.  He said it was the exact reason I needed to do it – keep my mind off things.  That didn’t go down very well.  I ranted and raved about him being uncaring, insensitive, not understanding grief, over obsessed with achievement and used some choice words.  Needless to say he was right (oh how it hurts to type that!!!).

I wrote the speeches.  I knew they didn’t have to change the world.  I wasn’t the attraction.  I just needed to give some details to welcome the person (and be the guinea pig that starts before the crowd will shut up).

One of them I did actually stuff up.  My notes were leaning on the laptop and it started flicking through the presentation.  But I kept talking and the presenter or the tech guy flicked it back to fix it.  The best compliment I got from the whole thing was being told how much I didn’t bat an eyelid and just continued on with my speech when it wasn’t working.

And this might sound weird but it was actually fun.  Sure I was so nervous.  But I went with curious.  I did SO much practice I knew I was going to be ok.  I didn’t need to change the world.  And afterwards it was the BEST feeling in the world.  I actually did it.  I had proved to myself I was bold and brave.  I kind of still can’t believe it.  It made me feel like a whole new person.  I’m looking forward to so much more of that feeling over the next few years – being brave, being fearless, achieving new great things and feeling so incredibly proud of myself.

So that was the beginning of a new life for me in 2015.  Next instalment I’ll talk about 2016 and what’s next for more happiness and fulfilment.

Be kind to yourself (you really are capable of greatness)

Wx