I spent most of this book wishing it was less advanced and an easier read. It was such hard work dragging myself through it and concentrating so hard. Then something happened when I was in rule 11. I started feeling proud of myself for stepping up and doing something more difficult than I usually would. By the time I finished I was sad it was over. I am now so grateful it was a tough book firstly because I proved to myself I could do it, and secondly stretching brings growth. The reward for the hard work is that I’ll be able to read more difficult books with more ease. More options are now available. Isn’t that exciting? An awesome life lesson right there.
Here’s a quote from rule 11 and why I probably started feeling the way I did. “We experience almost all the emotions that make life deep and engaging as a consequence of moving successfully towards something deeply desired and valued.” So true, huh?
Not only is Jordan smart and this book incredibly wise, but he’s also very funny. You would laugh in the most unexpected places.
The 12 rules (plus comments from me) are:
- Stand up straight with your shoulders back
- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping (imagine how good we would be to ourselves if we all did more of this??????)
- Make friends with people who want the best for you
- Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today (!!!!!! Have we all got that???? Super important in my opinion)
- Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them (this was a brilliant chapter)
- Set your house in perfect order before you criticise the world (well that would put the tabloids out of business wouldn’t it…)
- Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient
- Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie
- Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t
- Be precise in your speech
- Do not bother children when they are skateboarding (possibly my favourite chapter and the biggest lesson for me about supporting vs rescuing)
- Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street (hilarious chapter where he focusses on dogs)
Here’s some of my underlines from the book:
“We require routine and tradition. That’s order. Order can become excessive, and that’s not good, but chaos can swamp us, so we drown – and that is also not good.
“…the dividing line between order and chaos. That’s where we are simultaneously stable enough, exploring enough, transforming enough, repairing enough and cooperating enough. It’s there we find the meaning that justifies life and its inevitable suffering.
“To straddle that fundamental duality is to be balanced: to have one foot firmly planted in order and security, and the other in chaos, possibility, growth and adventure.
“Thus, you need to place one foot in what you have mastered and understood and the other in what you are currently exploring and mastering. Then you have positioned yourself where the terror of existence is under control and you are secure, but where you are also alert and engaged. That is where there is something new to master and some way that you can be improved. That is where meaning is to be found.
“Question for parents: do you want to make your children safe, or strong?
Jordan’s thoughts on success and failure
“…in a world as complex as ours, such generalisations (really, such failure to differentiate) are a sign of naïve, unsophisticated or even malevolent analysis. There are vital degrees and graduations of value obliterated by this binary system, and the consequences are not good.
“But winning at everything might only mean that you’re not doing anything new or difficult. You might be winning but you’re not growing, and growing might be the most important form of winning. Should victory in the present always take precedence over trajectory across time?
Rule 5 – my take out. Don’t let your little kids be little shits. Yes disciplining them might seem too hard and nearly impossible but if your child is a little shit to other kids and no one likes them, then what happens to them in life? They have no friends and no encouragement. They become more and more withdrawn and anti social. They have no skills when entering the work force. So instead of a big happy bright full of love future they end up with a life that has no connection and no love. How awful. So don’t let your little kids be little shits. You are doing them a disservice and in all respects you are ruining their lives. (If you think this sounds harsh you should read what Jordan says!!!!).
Rule 7 – Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)
if you only watch Netflix and eat pizza on the lounge you will not love your life. Look after your future self.
Rule 8 – Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie
I actually see most of this chapter as being about telling the truth to yourself. Don’t tell yourself you are healthy when you aren’t. Don’t tell yourself you are a great friend when you aren’t. Don’t tell yourself your work place is lucky to have you when you could be doing so much more. You get the drift J
This is a huge one:
“…researchers have recently discovered that new genes in the central nervous system turn themselves on when an organism is placed (or places itself) in a new situation. These genes code for new proteins. These proteins are the building blocks for new structures in the brain. ….You have to say something, go somewhere and do things to get turned on. And, if not…you remain incomplete, and life is too hard for anyone incomplete.
“If you say no to your boss, or your spouse, or your mother, when it needs to be said, then you transform yourself into someone you can say no when it needs to be said. If you say yes when no needs to be said, however, you transform yourself into someone who can only say yes, even when it is very clearly time to say no. If you ever wonder how perfectly ordinary, decent people could find themselves doing the terrible things the gulag camp guards did, you now have your answer. By the time no seriously needed to be said, there was no one left capable of saying it.
“If you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, if you act out a life, you weaken your character. If you have a weak character, then adversity will mow you down when it appears, as it will, inevitably.
Rule 9 – Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t
I love this for me. I’ve worked SO hard in my life at being ‘right’. Now I am allowing and even embracing that if I am open to learning new things life might actually be better. And it’s the really small things where it makes such a difference. Eg I don’t keep empty boxes so no one else should either. Who cares? They are only boxes? Why make life difficult and rigid for myself and others when it has no impact. My experience and education in life is so miniscule compared to the combined knowledge of the billions of people on the planet. I’d be a complete fool (and wrong) to not believe other people might know stuff I don’t. This has been hugely liberating for me and makes everything feel easier and lighter.
Rule 11 on danger and mastery:
“They weren’t trying to be safe. They were trying to become competent – and it’s competence that makes people as safe as they can truly be.
“Kids need playgrounds dangerous enough to remain challenging.
“…they push themselves a bit at a time, too, so they continue to develop.
“We feel invigorated and excited when we work to optimise our future performance, while playing in the present.
“Overprotected, we will fail when something dangerous, unexpected and full of opportunity suddenly makes its appearance, as it inevitably will.
“…that you strengthen and encourage those who are committed to your care instead of protecting them to the point of weakness.
From Jordan’s summary:
“Your inaction, inertia and cynicism removes from the world that part of you that could learn to quell suffering and make peace.
“Life is hard enough when it is going well. But when it’s going badly? And I have learned through painful experience that nothing is going so badly that it can’t be made worse.
Be kind to yourself.
Wx
